Several prominent leaders convened to address the problem of lost US jobs and the perfect solution, which is to restore exports to their ancient prominence in the American economy. Attending the meeting were President Barack Obama, Governor Jan Brewer, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, Fed Chief Ben Bernanke, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, and head of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein.
Discussion was held:
Obama: “As a nation we have a huge problem. Persistent joblessness, a faltering economy, and the endless war in
Vietnam, Afghanistan are producing annoying headlines and threatening the agenda I promised to deliver when I was elected.”
Brewer: “Mr. President, I believe we should start with the Mexicans. They are only drug mules anyway. They make no meaningful contribution to society, they bring in drugs, drink our water, use our toilets instead of cleaning them, and generally are the lowest class of immigrant population we have had in the history of this nation. And then Mr. President, we should export our values. America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, and we should export that to the world. They would gladly pay us for it. Mr. President, would you support us in court?”
Brewer: “It’s Jan”
Geithner: “Mr. President, I believe we should export the dollar. I can print these at almost zero cost. If we export enough dollars, the rest of the world would have enough money to travel to the US and support our tourism business. It would give a boost to the cheap Arizonian hotels that used to house Mexicans.”
Obama: “These are really great ideas. But I have an even better one.Let’s export guns. This is the one competitive manufacturing industry we have left. My supporters at Boeing, Raytheon and Northrup say they can sell guns out the whazoo.”
Palin: “It’s wazoo, Mr. President. I know that one.”
Brewer: “Perfect Mr. President! To spur demand we should export hate! With enough hate there will be endless demand for guns”.
Obama: “Genius Ms. Brewer! What a great meeting!”
Geithner: “Mr. President, I was not done! At the Treasury we also have a lot of gold, tons of it! I believe we should export our gold.”
Bernanke: “Timothy, you are on to something, but if you export the gold how will they pay for it. If they buy it with dollars, you will have immunized your dollar export program and prevented the necessary increases in the money supply. Let’s hoard the gold and instead we can export bonds. I have even more bonds than you have gold!
Blankfein: “I can help with that”
Geithner: “No you don’t! I have more gold!
Palin: “You guys are on the wrong track. We should export oil. In my home state of Alaska we have more oil than you have bonds. All we have to do is drill for it and build a pipeline across the Bering Straights to Russia. You can see Russia from Alaska you know. As I said before, “Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and, on our other side, the land-boundry that we have with Canada. It’s funny..”
Palin: “our next-door neighbors are foreign countries..”
Blankfein: “We love foreign countries!”
Palin: “As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. When he comes in we can just shove that oil pipeline us his bum and crank the spigot. Kill two birds with one stone, you know. I love to kill birds. And when we drill, we can kill moose too. I love to kill moose!”
Bernanke: “We just marked up our bonds. Now is the time to dump them. If we export the bonds, we won’t have to tell them about the Red Roof Inns we have in Arizona, they will just be lost in the pool of assets.”
Blankfein: “That’s how we do it.”
Obama: “So that settles it. Here is the battle plan. First we export xenophobia to prepare foreign nations for hate. Then we sprinkle on the hate and sell them guns. Geithner exports dollars for them to buy the guns. We use Blankenfein..”
Blankfein: “It’s Blankfein, sir”
Blankenfein Blankfein, we use Blankfein to dump the bonds but that is a side operation. The next big operation is the oil pipeline through Putin, er Alaska, WHATEVER! THE DAMN PIPELINE THROUGH RUSSIA! JESUS!
Brewer: What about the Mexicans, sir? You forgot the Mexicans!”
Obama: “We don’t need the Mexicans! Let me finish!… Where was I…oh wait.. I didn’t mean that…”